And they say women are complicated.

I am a desired woman. I can pull blokes. Always have been able to. I'm reasonably attractive, quick witted and easy going. That's easy GOING. #clarifying.

Men chase me. I get flirted with a lot. Without wanting to yank my own chain, I could probably get laid several times a week without too much trouble. Not that I want to. But I guess my ego likes the fact I could IF I wanted too. Facebook is an obvious platform for this. Only last night did a random message pop up from a colleague, telling me what he though I'd like to hear.

So I get texts and FB messages from guys fairly regularly suggesting, that, they "would". Tentatively dipping their toe in the water, to check if the temperature is anywhere near "gagging for it".

I get told by men from all sorts of walk of life that I'm hot, sexy, attractive, stunning, beautiful, that my eyes are incredible, a great person, funny, lovely, fit....

I get told by my female friends that men "react to me", I'm naturally desirable and incredibly flirty.

I have men who "want me", would fuck me, "ruin me", wine, dine and 69 me.

I have men who think I'm awesome. They want to hang out with me, watch sport with me, go out on the puss with me. Think I'm great fun, a good laugh....

I have men who think I'm sweet, caring, kind of vulnerable, who want to take care if me.

I am a "reverse fag hag". Even gay men love me.

I have men who want to talk to me, listen to me, who think I'm creative and intelligent. They "love my mind".

So, for someone who is seemingly so fucking popular with the opposite sex, why am I eternally single?? Why can't I find ONE man who covers ALL those bases. No but's. You're amazing... But. You're so beautiful.... You're so intelligent and incredibly funny... But. I've even had "I love you.... But".

I'm not going to lie, those "buts" are taking their toll. Those "buts" smart like a mother fucker.

But how do you see a "but" coming when what precedes it is a wonderful compliment, or a statement of affection or love. It's like setting someone up to make damn sure they feel twice as shit afterwards. I think "I love you.... But" is one if the cruelest, most heart breaking sentences I've ever heard. It's going to take some serious girl fucking power to deal with that bad boy.

So, I'm going to get a cat. They can't fucking talk.

Lessons to live by.

"Everyone's fighting their own battles. Try not to be a c*nt" 

You know you're a single Mother when....

1. People constantly ask you how you cope.

2. Then give you a one sided, head tilted condescending half smile and say 'oh it must be sooooo hard. I could never cope without my kids Dad". (Yes you could. And actually you probably already do)

3. You get into bed and something plastic nearly goes up your arse it it's nothing kinky. It's a smurf.

4. You're ridiculously, riddiculously, RIDDICULOUSLY tired.

5. Planning an evening out requires weeks, blood, sweat, tears and favours from ANY fucker willing to babysit.

6. You never sit down. Like, not ever.

7. You're in your own pulling category for arsehole males because they (wrongly) assume you're desperate.

8. Your kids sleep in your bed way to often, coz it's lush and it's your fucking bed so they can.

9. You have had several strokes, multiple nervous breakdowns and sobbed with frustration dealing with tax credits.

10. You've had the humiliating task of calling the tax credit wankers to confirm that yes, you are indeed STILL single.

11. You're kids think you're a God damn hero and have a relationship with you that is so strong, so unique and so special that no one who isn't doing it alone could ever possibly comprehend.

Wonderful animals.

I often post or share articles on animal welfare because to me there simply is no argument for animal cruelty on any level. I believe we are designed to hunt and eat meat but I seek out organic and if possibly high welfare meat, preferably local.

Hunting as a sport.... Wtf?! I don't get it. Photos of dead animals next to a smug bastard with a rifle and an insane testosterone fueled grin make me want to kick the shit out of someone. Bullfighting, fox hunts, badger culls, shooting birds, rabbits, elephants or lions, dog fights, animals in cages or tanks ( yep I'm sure that 6ft python fucking loves it in that tank 24/7) fur coats, whale hunting, cutting fins off sharks, testing cosmetics on, mistreating or the neglect of domestic pets is unquestionably sick.

People who have a poor bastard snake in a tank, or go hunting defend this shit to the death (no pun intended) but I couldn't give a rats arse about over population, human attacks or fucking tradition. WE encroach in their territories and then get pissed when they adapt for survival. Or defend their babies or their homes. Who the fuck do these people think they are?? There is ALWAYS a more humane alternative to torture and then murder. Fucking fox hunting?! The fox is scared out if it's mind, forced to run for its life, little to no odds in their favour, by a pack of hounds (who get treated like shit a lot of the time too and then shot when they are passed their hunting years "you're for the knackers yard old boy, thanks for the memories - BANG, wot wot".) and when the fox collapse with exhaustion or a heart attack the pack of dogs rips it apart limb from limb. Oh, that's just bloody lovely that is. I get told I'm a townie therefore I don't understand, I'm out if the loop, naive or soft somehow, piss off you patronising cuntry folk (spelling mistake totally intended) I get it. It's ego, it's testosterone, it's philistinism at its best, it's outdated, it's disgusting and it's cruel and it's fucking murder. Think of another way to protect crops, test cosmetics, control populations, contain disease. None of these are good enough reasons.

I am often uncomfortable with the amount of splinters I have stuck in my arse, I can usually see both sides of an argument and more often that not can agree (so annoying) with points on both sides, like I can see why lazy arsed criminal, scum bags hate the police, but can also see clearly the side of the worn out, overworked and constantly abused, frustrated copper, but not on this one.

We are animals, this is our world, for fucks sake, show some respect to our neighbours.

RIP The Black Rhino. Declared extinct recently.... The White Rhino is not far behind. 25% of the worlds mammals are at risk of extinction (IUCN) - what an absolute tragedy.

Lies.

We ALL lie. Deny it and you're the biggest liar of them all. We lie to others, we probably lie more to ourselves. It's part of life. There are nasty, malicious lies (I don't indulge in these) and then there are big lies, little white lies, cheeky lies and well meant lies. But lies just the same.  They save us, they boost us, they destroy us and confuse us. Either way, we are all liars. Just some of us are in the closet.

Lies I have been told -

Yep, it gets 60 miles to the gallon.
I would never be unfaithful to you.
Of course two rescue German shepherd puppies is a good idea.
Cream in the hallway? Good idea.
I'll be there.
Of course you can afford it.
Just sign here and leave everything to us, nothing for you to do at all.
Love you always.
I'll text you later.
It won't hurt a bit.
Ok it might sting a bit.
Of course I'm over my ex.
I'm not really into anal.
Noooooo!! You look fab in PVC.
One more can't hurt.
My hamster doesn't bite.

Amongst many others I've probably long since forgotten.

Now in the interest of fairness....

Lies I have told -

You look great.
Oh wow I love what you've done in here.
He is going to be just fine.
I'm highly organised and 100% professional. (CV innit)
I can't wait!!
I'm sorry.
I'm trying my hardest.
It's cool. Don't worry about it.
Of course you're the best.
I'm totally going to clean today.
I'm not going to eat for a week.
One more can't hurt.
I can afford it.
I'm NEVER doing that again.
I'm over men.
I don't want a dog.
I'd never do that.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realise how actually on fire my pants are. But mostly it's well intended. Mostly it stems from fear of hurting another's feelings. I'd love to say from now on, it's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth from now on, but that would be a fucking lie.

Oh and that whole post about accepting myself?! Really?!

Fucking acceptance.

Fuck all it would seem...

At 36 I thought I'd be a millionaire. Or at least own my own house. I thought I'd be happy with my hair colour. And I thought all my cutlery would match. I thought at the very least I'd swear less. Fuck that. I have so much to swear about.

I swear about politics, humanitarian issues, animal rights, money, the death fucking penalty, pot holes, losing my keys, my hangover, the TWAT in front that can't fucking drive, the food industry, work, my kids, my weight and dog shit in the street. I thought as I got older my contentment would grow. It's done quite the reverse. I have none if the things I envisaged as a dreamy teenager at 36. I bought my cutlery from a dead woman for fucks sake. She was a bitch to haggle with.

I also thought I would have grown out of getting drunk. A drunk 36 year old woman is possibly the least attractive image I can think of. But getting battered remains high on my priority list. How fucking sad. I'm not the only one though, who at 36 or so feels like that have fallen short on their own teenage expectations of life. I see it everywhere. I'm not the only thirty something in town necking shots but wearing flat shoes because we have at least grown out of stupid fucking shoes.

I'm not sure if this is a personality thing, a thirty something thing or just a sign of the times we live in? Since I was a teenager I have been subjected to images of 'perfect women'. Skinny, fit, successful, rich, feminine but steel strong, romantic and girly but independent and fierce, perfect homes and perfect fucking teeth that don't get in the way of the perfect fucking blow job. According to the media I am subjected to daily, I am an epic failure. I mean for fucks sake, I've never even had my arsehole bleached.

I constantly crave change. Bigger, better, smaller, more, less. And I hate this about myself. I'm a spoilt child of the 80's and 90's. The "you can have it all generation". You can buy a shed, whack up some overly priced designer wall paper on a feature wall and sell it on for massive profit. You can have that wardrobe, that car, that plasma screen - "here, you can't afford it but have some finance because fuck only knows what the Jones' next door will think if you don't."

With all this comes guilt. I have a fab life. A lovely home (that I fucking rent), beautiful children, a career people smother me with admiration for doing and my health. Bar the fucked thyroid anyway. So, why am I so fucking pissed off constantly?

So, for my looming 36th birthday I refuse to wish for a better body, true, never ending passionate love, my own 5 bedroom detached house with a fucking feature wall or a squillion pounds in a birthday card to just drop through the door.  I am DETERMINED to give myself the present I should have given myself years ago. Acceptance of me, where I'm at and who I am. Some days I'm so nearly there already... But my demons still shout at me, and you know what? It's about time they shut the fuck up.